People Pleasing is a Drain đŸ˜«

241 deal - please yourself and your people (Ep. 2)

Author

Tameem Rahal
06 Feb

THE CULPRIT

People Pleasing

Picture this - saying yes to sitting your neighbours cat even though you’re allergic, agreeing to start a social committee at work even though you actually hate people, driving 30 minutes out of your way just to drop off the girl you like home (ok, that last one’s kinda cute). The people-pleasing carousel is so engrained we sometimes don’t even know we’re doing it, until we’re into our commitments and dreading every minute of it.

*Ahh Chew

We Can Probably Definitely Blame it On Our Childhood
People pleasing isn’t our fault, like most things aren’t (and yes, denial will be a topic we add to the list). It often stems from a desire for approval or fear of rejection, two thought patterns we develop during our early years. Add the layer of cultural pressures that often celebrate the sacrifice of your own boundaries for others, it’s a pretty engrained storyline that lives inside most of us.

THE SHIFT

People
Helping?!

Okay, sounds the same, but HEAR ME OUT! People pleasing has a bad wrap but the giving/helping others is so critical to our wellbeing. So this week’s shift is to approach ‘people pleasing’ from a place of genuine kindness and self-respect, vs. insecurity and a need to be liked. That may mean saying no to the cat because your wellbeing matters, saying sure to the social committee because you want to leave your comfort zone, and saying HECK yes to driving the girl home because again...that’s pretty sweet.

*Aahhh Fewf

People pleasing can be a win win
When you are able to set boundaries, know what serves you and have good intentions, pleasing helping people will take on a new meaning and you’ll feel empowered by it, not drained. It takes a lot of healing, a dose of self-love and a pinch of assertiveness, but the results are đŸ€Œ.

One way to supercharge this feeling is through Gratitude. When we’re in a state of gratitude we are both physiologically and emotionally more open to high-vibe living. Check out this other newsletter I’ve loved, Unbound Gratitude, that keeps the reminder of gratitude at the forefront of this crazy world.

THE TOOLS

See What Sticks

1 // Power Pause And Circle Back
Finally - when obnoxious corporate talk is working in our favor!! Saying yes right away can leave you feeling annoyed and over committed. Next time you’re posed with an ask, pause and answer these:

  • How much time is this going take?

  • Is this something that I really want to do?

  • Do I actually have time to do it?

  • How stressed will I be if I say "yes?"

Then CIRCLE BACK (🙄) with an answer that actually feels good to you. If you have the tendency to answer right away, it’s perfectly acceptable to say “Let me get back to you”.

2 // Positive Self-Talk
If your inner dialogue is riddled with less-than-ideal chatter like “you have to say yes or they won’t like you” or “you don’t deserve downtime anyways”, it’s time for an upgrade. Try creating an affirmation to remind you of your value like “My needs and boundaries are valid". Repeat that to yourself in the moment, during your “pause”, or just everyday to start creating and embedding a new dialogue that actually serves you.

3 // Set Your Boundaries, Start Small
Cutting the habit of people pleasing can be daunting so realign on what your values are to help provide clarity to things you may want to accept or reject into your life. From there, start small - say no to something that doesn’t really move the needle in any direction just to get your new pattern to form.
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More to Explore:
đŸ‘‰đŸŒ A chuckle: Holiday People Pleaser
đŸ‘‰đŸ» A read: How To Stop People-Pleasing
👉🏿 A book: The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*k

THE CHALLENGE

Learn to say “no” in low stakes situations

  1. Every day this week, say no to one task. Some examples:
    - “are you free to chat right now” —> “no, I’ll be free in 10 min”
    - *Phone rings* —> *don’t pick it up, call them back later*
    - “can you make me cookies” —> “I’d love to, but not right now”

  2. That’s it! Start small, see how it feels to say no and notice how good it feels when you say yes (from a more empowered place of course)

Happy Shifting!
- Tameem

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